Real

 

Smile at something funny,

Laugh and joke aloud,

Inside my soul is crumpled,

Lost within the crowd.

 

“I’m fine”, is my work statement,

Coupled with a blink,

Yet my mind is ever falling,

Much deeper than you think.

 

Turn up to work on time,

Never after eight,

Leaving my babies kills my heart,

But I cannot be late.

 

Anxiety is rising,

Each time I leave my home,

Even in a crowded room,

 I feel so all alone.

 

I wear my mask now daily,

So you will never see,

Darkness that’s inside my head,

The true and wounded me.

 

For even just a second,

Seeing WHO I am inside,

Would prove to those around me,

I’m not OK – I lied!

 

I’m chocking on emotion,

As it washes my weak mind,

Yet outwardly I smile away,

My plight to them is blind.

 

Exhausted and so lost now,

I make the journey out,

Pick up my gorgeous boys,

Then all I do is shout.

 

All day I’ve filled the box up,

Bit my tongue, just not said,

Smiled and joked with everyone,

Supressed what’s inside my head.

 

There has to be some release,

It spills out like a tide,

My true self now, is raw, exposed,

It has nowhere left to hide.

 

Like a withered flower,

No depth is in my form,

Sitting in my self -pit,

So lost and so forlorn.

 

By Becky Clemett - 7^th April 2018

 

Be you

 

Don’t be in a rush,

To prove all you can do,

How you tackle every task,

It is uniquely you!

 

Even twins are different,

They may have the same face,

But each soul is its own,

It’s this that’s in life’s race.

 

So, if you are slower running,

Or words are not your thing,

Try your hand at something new,

Karate or swimming, or why not sing?

 

If you like salami,

Why not eat it every day,

Not just in a normal sandwich,

Try a toasted one today!

 

Painting or composing,

Maths or science, even sports,

If you can make a windmill,

Or know how to sew shorts.

 

Whatever is your strength,

Nurture it, be true,

Make some time to really ne,

The one and only brilliant – You!

 

By Becky Clemett - 7^th April 2018

Focus

 

When you feel that you cannot,

Go on another day,

Everything is just so wrong,

In every single way.

 

Clear your mind and focus,

On just one single thing,

Blank out all distractions,

Then surely you will win!

 

Take charge of your own mind,

Body and soul will come in line,

Then you will feel amazing,

Each and every time.

 

By Becky Clemett - 7^th April 2018.

Hide away

 

I have barred my darkest soul,

Let slip my cruel mask,

Opened-up the tightened lid,

On my minds, rancid flask.

 

I simply cannot hide now,

I’m too far down the road,

Although my mind still simmers,

The purge has lightened the foul load.

 

My instinct is to flee again,

Protect all, to just be good,

Ignore the rotten memories,

Behave just like I should.

 

To run again is my escape,

Change jobs, ignore them all,

This act of self-securing again,

Will eventually fail and I will fall.

 

So I will not hide, no not this time,

I’m staying in this way,

With all my thoughts and mind on show,

I will not hide away.

 

By Becky Clemett - 9^th April 2018.

Mindfulness

 

When all around is chaos,

Inside feels so warm down,

Breathe in and out so slowly,

Take heart – remove the frown.

 

Adopt a neutral posture,

And focus on your breathing,

Concentrate on who you are,

Feel all the stress just leaving.

 

Let your mind now wander,

Over a flowing waterfall,

Or amble through a meadow,

Surrounded by trees, so tall.

 

Soar away like a bird,

Upon the clouds so high,

Looking down on everyone,

As they all hurry by.

 

Find comfort in the silence,

Let it wash through your mind,

Refreshed and so in balance,

Release the ropes that bind.

 

Awaken to this moment,

Mind and body are in line,

The storm has passed completely,

And you will be just fine.

 

By Becky Clemett - 26^th April 2018.

Near

 

Dark eyes stare out blankly,

Not seeing you stood there,

He feels lost and all alone,

Like no-one seems to care.

 

His mind has held him captive,

Inside his inner being,

He has no way now to escape,

He’s having trouble seeing.

 

Monograph and so complex,

The layers hide his pain,

You had to peel each one away,

To see him whole again.

 

Vulnerable and bleeding,

Bared naked to the sky,

He’s more like him and you can see,

But still you wonder why?

 

Why did all this happen?

Why didn’t he just talk?

Why is it so very hard for him?

Why did he want to walk?

 

Veiled mind controlled emotion,

Shut off his one true self,

He felt no worth or purpose,

Confined to his self-made shelf.

 

All you can do is listen,

To all he lets you hear,

Let him know you love him still,

And that you are always near.

 

By Becky Clemett - 28^th April  2018

 

Alright

 

It’s hard for me to see you,

Sobbing and so small,

Knees up by your chin,

Curled up into a ball.

 

I see that you are hurting,

You know you can trust me,

Don’t you sit and shut me out,

Then say you are not free!

 

Your eyes are looking more matt,

Each time I find you now,

I really want to help you,

But you have to tell me how.

 

I am only just one person,

Who is trying to help you,

Saying that you want to leave,

Is sadly nothing new.

 

My instinct is to shout aloud,

Tell you to, “Leave, go on just go!”,

But I know that you are hurting,

Your eyes have told me so.

 

I’ll stay here ‘til you want me,

Perhaps we can both fight,

For our lives and family,

Everything will be ‘alright’.

 

By Becky Clemett - 29^th April 2018

 

Fine

 

The weight of life has squashed me,

Left me broken and so low,

Each day is such a struggle,

But you will never know.

 

I get up each day and dress,

Get on with what I do,

Chat and work like ‘normal’,

I’ll even smile at you.

 

If you could take a snapshot,

Just once inside my head,

You will see just what I fight,

Know I feel like I’m half dead.

 

It’s been this way for so long,

I can’t think of a single day,

When I got up at 6am,

And didn’t feel this way.

 

Ashen and so worthless,

This emotion is so rough,

Makes me feel so all alone,

Makes the daily bind so tough.

 

If you ask me, I won’t tell,

I’m walking a thin line,

Ignoring the truth, I’ll smile again,

Then I will just say, “I’m fine”.

 

By Becky Clemett - 30^th April 2018

 

Low

 

Each day it all piles up,

Consuming who I am,

“You should get over it”, they say,

I just don’t think I can.

 

Frustration oozes from me,

I’m losing my own mind,

Why can’t they just see this stress,

Is everybody blind?

 

I want someone to call me,

Then can’t pick up the phone,

No-one can be inside me head,

I feel so all alone!

 

I’m wired and so hyper,

A real riot to befriend,

But when the day over,

The thoughts just never end.

 

At 2am, I’m still awake,

My mind is ticking on,

How can I even get to sleep,

When everything is wrong?

 

No-one knows I’m hurting,

I’m isolated and so low,

My face remains unchanged,

No one will ever know.

 

By Becky Clemett - 6^th May 2018

Stress

 

My head is crushing my mind,

It will not let me be,

Keeping all those thoughts inside,

Then taking over me.

 

Pain trickles down my spine,

Then pools at my chest,

Making my heart, beat so fast,

When will it ever rest?

 

Cotton wool mouth – so dry,

Stops me in my tracks,

People put so much in me,

I cannot answer back!

 

If I could just shout out – “NO!”

“I’m sinking under here!”,

Would anyone look?, Would they care?

Would my plight become clear?

 

Nausea stops consuming,

Coupled with the daily grind,

Colleagues move on upward,

I feel so left behind.

 

Aches drain me of my energy,

I no longer feel like me,

A crumpled husk of loneliness,

Is all I’ll ever be.

 

By Becky Clemett - 6^th May 2018.

Me

 

My mind is not my own,

Thoughts race without a care,

People look straight through me,

As though I am not there.

 

I have no use or purpose,

I’m surplus to the need,

No-one cares how I feel,

They’re all just fuelled by greed.

 

My workload is amassing,

I cannot ask for time,

For they will take it all from me,

Take charge of all that’s mine!

 

At home I am alone,

Sat watching these four walls,

A glass or two at bedtime,

Will take care of it all.

 

My mind just cannot switch off,

I’m thinking constantly,

These thoughts of sheer hopelessness,

Just will not let me be.

 

Consuming is my one release,

At least I’m in control,

This constant state of listlessness,

Is damaging my soul.

 

Why won’t someone help me?

See I’m in such pain!

Help me to sort it out,

Get back to me again.

 

By Becky Clemett - 6^th May 2018

 

Managing

 

Quite often without warning,

It’s back there in my day,

All around, it’s so exhausting,

It’s in everything I say.

 

The work starts piling up,

The pressure starts to show,

My smile is fading slowly,

I recognise you - I know!

 

I’ll speak to those around me,

May ask for just a talk,

Arrange a meal at lunchtime,

Or go out for a walk.

 

Now I need to focus,

On protecting my own mind,

Don’t be upset if I say no,

It’s not said to be unkind.

 

I’m managing my workload,

Taking control of all I do,

Guiding myself back to me,

The me I know is true.

 

So please don’t be offended,

If I say I need to be,

Alone and by myself,

Quiet, calm or solitary.

 

It is my way of healing,

Stopping stress taking control,

Protecting my thought centre,

And nurturing my soul.

 

By Becky Clemett - 9^th May 2018.

 

Challenge

 

When stress comes by again,

Just like the winter tide,

The worst thing I can do,

Is run away and hide.

 

It will consume my body,

Take over my frail mind,

Shut me away from all I know,

Affect the daily grind.

 

Instead, I face it head on,

Turn these butterflies into power,

I feel strength now growing,

More and more each hour.

 

Challenges are often small,

To be on time and not be late,

But time to time they do amass,

And become something great.

 

Walking up a mountain,

Swimming in the sea,

Taking that one leap of hope,

Or having faith in me.

 

Whatever I choose to do,

Just know it helps so much,

Not just to keep me healthy,

It’s my impassioned crutch.

 

By Becky Clemett - 9^th May 2018.

Bad Habits

 

It’s here again I know it,

I cannot say its name,

That thing controlling my mind,

It is always the same.

 

I’m starting to work later,

Then watching one more show,

Let my head just pound away,

Ignoring all I know.

 

When I get home I numb it,

In food and sometimes drink,

I struggle with it every day,

It’s stringer than you think.

 

This time I cannot let it,

Take over all I am.

Climb itself inside my head,

Make my consciousness just scram.

 

I’m talking to you now stress,

And my resolve is sheer steel,

You cannot take my mind this time,

It’s protected as it heals.

 

I’m ignoring all my vices,

The having some ‘me time’,

I’ll read a book, take a stroll,

Then rid my mind of grime.

 

So, temping as it may be,

To ignore all and just consume,

I will not be that person,

Just living in the gloom.

 

By Becky Clemett - 9^th May 2018.

 

Walk away

 

When all of life is chaos,

And you juggle one more ball,

Buckling under pressure,

Don’t be afraid to fall.

 

For falling lets you get up,

Move on and have a say,

Instead of struggling on and on,

Through every single day.

 

So let the wheels fall off,

Move on and walk on by,

Someone will come to you,

And you can tell them why.

 

Whether workload, home or life,

Has put you where you are,

With a swipe the slate is clear,

And your mind is on par.

 

Don’t let yourself be squashed,

By work or life each day,

Accept that some things can be left,

Get up and walk away.

 

By Becky Clemett - 9^th May 2018.

 

Drive

 

Useless and so damaged,

I crawl inside my brain,

Stripping it of who I am,

Leaving me vulnerable again.

 

Shell-like, broken, fragile,

Squashed and so alone,

I’m losing all control of me,

I can’t even go home.

 

I’ll drive away tonight,

I will be isolated,

Dump the car, walk away,

Keeping my breath baited.

 

I do not care about my life,

I can’t cope with this now,

Running away is all I know,

I need to heal somehow.

 

On the motorway I’m driving,

I’ll stop in a little while,

I’m getting away from all of it,

But still I cannot smile.

 

Perhaps I should ring home,

Say I won’t be back,

I’ve had enough, I’m leaving,

Just accept it, that is that!.

 

Sitting in the traffic,

Tears streaming down my face,

What am I bloody doing?

Why am I in this place?

 

It’s started getting dark now,

I’m so far away from me,

The more I drive the less I know,

Then suddenly I see.

 

I must go home,

Now I’m physically lost,

I have to get back,

No matter the cost!

 

The services are my saviour,

A map! I’m on my way,

I’ve got to get my children,

But shit! What do I say?

 

I need to ring my in-laws,

Tell them I’m running late,

I get a torrent of abuse,

They’re panicked and irate!

 

The road is such a blur now,

I’m speeding my way home,

David’s picked the boys up,

My head feels like a stone.

 

Just what was I doing,

I’ve got no damn idea,

I think I wanted to get away,

To help my mind just clear.

 

Finally, I’m outside,

God! It’s well past 1am,

My little boys are fast asleep,

I can’t do that again – ever!

 

By Becky Clemett - 22^nd June 2018.

Purge

 

This stress is crushing my soul,

I’m sinking and so fast,

I’ve been here many times before,

I hope it doesn’t last.

 

I feel I’ve lost control,

I’m a puppet on a string,

Emotions bubble over me,

I cannot let them win.

 

I need to gain control,

Don’t want to medicate,

I’m struggling to get any sleep,

It’s making me run late.

 

My mind is just so sticky,

With everything on board,

Rancid, turgid, listless,

My being is so scarred.

 

Consuming is my release,

I do not even chew,

Gorging on such rubbish,

It sticks to me like glue.

 

I will ignore that phonecall,

Sit in the toilet, all alone,

Stuff, my face until I’m sick,

My heart still feels like stone.

 

What do I do now?

I’ve eaten a box of sweets!

Devoured everything in sight,

Made a mockery of treats.

 

I hide all of the wrappers,

I’ll blame it on the boys,

Say they had some friends round,

It stopped them making noise.

 

I’m stuffed and now I panic,

It didn’t help one bit!

Still I am not in control,

I’ve had enough of it!

 

I need to purge my system,

It’s so foul in the bowl,

Who do I keep doing this?

How can I heal my soul?

 

By Becky Clemett - 22^nd June 2018.

Mummy

 

The shell of me collects you,

Little smiling faces,

You’re telling me of your day,

Fighting, playing, races.

 

I hear nothing for I’m lost,

Exhausted and so low,

I’m cruel and ignorant to you,

Tell you I don’t want to know.

 

As soon as you boys argue,

I’m straight onto your case,

Shouting at you, being mean,

My mind’s not in this place.

 

I tell you that I’m leaving,

I’m fed up of my life,

Had enough of being me,

Your mummy, Daddy’s wife.

 

You’re playing on my last nerve,

Why can’t you boys just stop!

I do all that I can for you,

I know it’s not a lot.

 

My mind is bubbling over,

Screeching does no good,

I really don’t know why,

I ever thought that it would!

 

I lock myself inside the toilet,

Hang my head low in my hands,

Why is life so difficult?

This wasn’t in my plans.

 

I hear you calling out now,

Looking once again for me,

I’m sobbing to myself again,

But I cannot let you see.

 

I leave it ‘til the second,

When I hear your little voice strain,

“Mummy, where have you gone?”

You call out once again.

 

A deep breath in composure,

I’m opening the door,

I find you in the living room,

All sitting on the floor.

You’re burnt out and all calm now,

I needed that short time,

To help my mind get over this,

Bring chaos back in line.

 

Guilt is now my focus,

Why can’t I be like those,

They walk past me with their model kids,

And just stick up their nose.

 

I’m trained to work with children,

I can manage a whole class,

But with my own offspring,

I feel like a dumbass.

 

I’m failing in this venture,

Struggling every single day,

Making such a mess of this,

In different little ways.

 

Then I hear those words,

As I kiss you all goodnight,

“Mummy we love you really”,

So perhaps I did do something right?

 

By Becky Clemett - 22^nd June 2018.

Useless

 

On paper I’ve achieved,

So much but no-one cares,

It doesn’t mean I cannot fail,

My life just isn’t fair.

 

I’m useless, worthless, nothing,

What am I even here?

What exactly do I do?

My purpose isn’t clear.

 

If I left this world tonight,

No0one would even see,

They wouldn’t register I was gone,

Or ask where I could be!

 

I’ve got nothing going for me,

I’m old, worn out and fat,

No energy to change things,

So I’m afraid I’m left with that.

 

My mirror is always smiley,

Helpful and always there,

But I’m porcelain and so fragile,

It’s hidden underneath my flair.

 

Daily hysteria grips me,

I laugh and don’t know why,

The reason I can think of,

Is if I didn’t I would cry.

 

If you see me you wont know it,

For I’m wearing a good mask,

No body ever stops to talk,

Not one of you ever asks.

 

How are you today?

To show that someone cares,

If I were to have a meltdown,

There would be bloody stares!

 

So I keep existing in this nothing,

As I’m too chicken to get up and go,

I’ll never be anymore then I’m perceived,

This much is all I know.

 

By Becky Clemett - 22^nd June 2018.

Me!

 

I’ve failed again, I’m pathetic,

Why did I bother to even go!

Thinking I could better myself,

I just can’t and now I know.

 

How can I ‘sell’ myself,

When I’m full up with self-hate,

Loathing myself every day,

I’m not winning at this rate.

 

Not meant to be a leader,

I’m all I can ever be,

No-one special, easily forgotten,

Worthless and nothing – me!

 

By Becky Clemett - 22^nd June 2018.

Steering Wheel

 

My knuckles start to pale,

As I hold the steering wheel,

“It will be great to get back to work”, they say,

But no-one knows just how I feel.

 

I’ve spent a week just crying,

Buried my head into the bed,

Hated myself and my family,

Believed it’s better if I were dead.

 

Trolling different job sites,

“I will emigrate!”, I say,

Anything just to put it off,

I’ve dreaded this today!

 

Now I’m alone in my car,

And I cannot turn the key,

Why does my mind keep me here?

This isn’t even me.

 

I’ve never been so scared,

To drive to work or earn a wage,

At first I was consumed by fear,

But now I’m filled with rage!

 

How dare you do this to me!

Make me scared to leave my home,

Hate those around who love me,

Leave me feeling so alone.

 

The worst thing is then knowing,

That there’s nothing I can do,

You’ve won again and I have failed,

I simply cannot control you!

 

Phone is ringing non-stop,

I throw it to the floor,

When will you go, leave me alone,

I don’t want you anymore!

 

I never invited you in,

You just camped out in my brain,

Slowly stealing all I am,

I’ll never be me again!

 

The darkness is sweeping over me,

So cruel and so unreal,

I’m frozen in animation now,

Still holding the steering wheel.

 

By Becky Clemett - 27^th June 2018.

Mind

 

Everything I am is lost,

In the darkness of my mind,

I can’t even see who I am,

My eyes are just so blind.

 

Did I like songs or TV,

Or was I into sport?

All I know is I take no pleasure,

Of any style or sort!

 

The cotton candy fills my head,

Makes me doubt just who I am,

I feel I am a minuets,

In someone’s master plan.

 

Just no-one cared to tell me,

What it would entail each time,

Instead they choose to leave me here,

Forgetting all that’s mine.

 

By Becky Clemett - 27^th June 2018.

 

Slime

 

Ebony, black, hopeless,

So viscous you consume,

Coating every single inch,

You leave me in this gloom.

 

Topped up more and more,

Each and every single day,

No escape from it all,

No hope to get away.

 

The empty Bessel of me,

Too weak to stop attack,

Daily torrent of dolour,

No strength to take the flak.

 

I cannot find the drain point,

As time goes by I’m sated,

Control is gone, I’m spiralling,

Feeling so castrated.

 

Shrinking back inside my head,

My mind is just so sodden,

I’ve been here many times before,

This path is so well trodden.

 

Close the curtains to my soul,

Put up the ‘Happy face’,

I’m so good at this cruel game now,

I’m lost to time and space.

 

Autonomously my body,

Gets me to work each day,

This rancid state of myself,

Has control in every way.

 

Slowly things start changing,

With little beams of light,

Flowers from a lovely friend,

Someone asks, “Are you alright?”

 

These beams create a vortex,

Start to break up the malaise,

Osmosis-like hope trickles in,

To create a pale haze.

 

The transition can be violent,

Like water on hot oil,

My mind is forcing them to mix,

I must tolerate and toil.

Every day is just so different,

Changing forms are ever fleeting,

But the smile will always be the same,

You’ll never know which ‘Me’ you’re meeting.

 

Then I reach the crest of it all,

I could fall down either side,

Precariously I descend with care,

So affected by the tide.

 

This process is so varied,

There is no set or given time,

And after all of this, it never truly goes,

Instead, it coats my insides like slime.

 

By Becky Clemett - 1^st July 2018.

 

Eruption

 

The dark grey trickles onward,

Spilling over my weak mind,

Everything I was, is just so lost,

Leaving my soul raw and blind.

 

I’m scared to tell somebody,

For then everyone will know,

So I bottle it up inside my mind,

Then aloof I start to slow.

 

Weighed down by turgid anchors,

The utter aggrandization,

I lock myself away from it all,

To hide cruel humiliation.

 

Convinced you see the ‘true’ me,

Can see deep inside my head,

Panic rushes up into my throat,

Makes me feel like I am dead.

 

No amount of breathing slowly,

Will stop these dreaded bands,

I can’t cope with all this pressure,

My mind’s slipping through my hands.

 

The boom! Like a hurricane I spiral,

Devastating all within my rut,

I cannot see the light right now,

My emotions are a glut.

 

Vacant and so hollow,

I’m spilled upon the floor,

Every time this happens to me now,

I’m carved out a little more.

 

My arms are just too meagre,

To pick up all this mess,

I’m left in my own stewing pot,

I can’t get out I must confess.

 

Inadequately I shuffle,

Through each and every day,

They’re walking through my quagmire,

I’m stuck here in this way.

 

Through my windows you will see me,

I’m shrivelled and compressed,

I may have publicly erupted,

But my soul is still so stressed.

 

By Becky Clemett - 10^th July 2018.

Eruption

 

The dark grey trickles onward,

Spilling over my weak mind,

Everything I was, is just so lost,

Leaving my soul raw and blind.

 

I’m scared to tell somebody,

For then everyone will know,

So I bottle it up inside my mind,

Then aloof I start to slow.

 

Weighed down by turgid anchors,

The utter aggrandization,

I lock myself away from it all,

To hide cruel humiliation.

 

Convinced you see the ‘true’ me,

Can see deep inside my head,

Panic rushes up into my throat,

Makes me feel like I am dead.

 

No amount of breathing slowly,

Will stop these dreaded bands,

I can’t cope with all this pressure,

My mind’s slipping through my hands.

 

The boom! Like a hurricane I spiral,

Devastating all within my rut,

I cannot see the light right now,

My emotions are a glut.

 

Vacant and so hollow,

I’m spilled upon the floor,

Every time this happens to me now,

I’m carved out a little more.

 

My arms are just too meagre,

To pick up all this mess,

I’m left in my own stewing pot,

I can’t get out I must confess.

 

Inadequately I shuffle,

Through each and every day,

They’re walking through my quagmire,

I’m stuck here in this way.

 

Through my windows you will see me,

I’m shrivelled and compressed,

I may have publicly erupted,

But my soul is still so stressed.

 

By Becky Clemett - 10^th July 2018.

The Edge

 

The storm is closing in now,

Everything turned black as coal,

Like iron bars you encased it all,

Leaving me lost without a soul.

 

Each day a smile is focussed,

On my face so no-one will see,

The stain that’s left inside my mind,

Crushing life, controlling me.

 

Bringing me to the edge of sane,

Leaving me lost and so alone,

No comfort from a warm embrace,

I’m just frozen to the bone!

 

Over the cliff looks so inviting,

Fresh spray jumps to kiss my face,

It doesn’t look as bad as I recall,

I could stay here in this place.

 

The waves below will wash me,

Bring me safely to the shore,

My mind will be so new and clean,

Rid of my internal war.

 

As I’m edging ever closer,

I’m so tempted to let it win,

Allow my mind to be consumed,

Give up and just dive in.

 

Then at the edge I pause a while,

Take a closer look inside,

It is not safe, now I can see,

I’ve been tricked my mind has lied.

 

So I must stay here,

Poised on this small ledge,

Continue just existing,

While my mind sits on the edge.

 

By Becky Clemett - 30^th July 2018.

Mirror me

 

Painting a smile on a porcelain face,

Driving to, the daily grind,

Smiling at everyone I meet,

I hide all that's in my mind.

 

You think I cannot hear you,

Don't know you mock my form,

You think your abuse is unique,

For me this is the norm

 

Absorbing all the voices,

As they strip the flesh from me,

Cutting deep into my head,

I can't let people see.

 

I carry those words around all day,

Such a parasite! they consume,

Then putty-like they merge to one,

Encasing me in my tomb.

 

As the day moves on, I'm falling,

To the bottom of a well,

So deep so dark there's no way out,

I'm left here in this hell!

 

Eventually it's over,

I can finally go home,

As I close the door and pour a drink,

I know I'm not alone.

 

The cloud of cruelty followed me,

Words swim inside my head,

Your viscous, sticky cruelty,

It weighs me down, like lead.

 

I take off the painted face,

And I'm left to look at me,

You are right I am a monster

It's all I'll ever be.

 

So many years I've been like this,

Heard so many cruel lines,

But worse of all its my own fault,

Most of them are mine!

 

"You're fat, ugly, useless,

No -one could ever really love you,

You're a failure, a bad person,

The dirt upon their shoe"

 

When you hate yourself so wholly,

Cruel words seem to flow free,

But no-one ever sees this,

All I show is mirror me.

 

By Becky Clemett - 14th May 2019

Flat

 

I'm weighed down again and falling,

My mind is just so slow.

But I'll smile and talk to everyone,

So they will never know.

 

The spiralling is setting in,

I can see but cannot stop,

I'm locked into a whirlpool now,

In my mind's own stewing pot.

 

Each day anxiety waltzes in,

So I doubt my very mind.

Knots are tied around what I know,

'Til in wrapped up in this bind.

 

Interwoven words live over me,

Then pull tight across my chest,

Please don't walk on over here,

Just give me one days rest.

 

I really need to be over this,

To get the true me back,

But I can't right now and I give in.

I'm not me, I'm just so flat.

 

By Becky Clemett – 15^th October 2019

Flat

 

I'm weighed down again and falling,

My mind is just so slow.

But I'll smile and talk to everyone,

So they will never know.

 

The spiralling is setting in,

I can see but cannot stop,

I'm locked into a whirlpool now,

In my mind's own stewing pot.

 

Each day anxiety waltzes in,

So I doubt my very mind.

Knots are tied around what I know,

'Til in wrapped up in this bind.

 

Interwoven words live over me,

Then pull tight across my chest,

Please don't walk on over here,

Just give me one days rest.

 

I really need to be over this,

To get the true me back,

But I can't right now and I give in.

I'm not me, I'm just so flat.

 

By Becky Clemett – 15^th October 2019

Flat

 

I'm weighed down again and falling,

My mind is just so slow.

But I'll smile and talk to everyone,

So they will never know.

 

The spiralling is setting in,

I can see but cannot stop,

I'm locked into a whirlpool now,

In my mind's own stewing pot.

 

Each day anxiety waltzes in,

So I doubt my very mind.

Knots are tied around what I know,

'Til in wrapped up in this bind.

 

Interwoven words live over me,

Then pull tight across my chest,

Please don't walk on over here,

Just give me one days rest.

 

I really need to be over this,

To get the true me back,

But I can't right now and I give in.

I'm not me, I'm just so flat.

 

By Becky Clemett – 15^th October 2019

Holiday?

 

Rolling in, they blackened the sky,

Blotted out the winter sun,

Shrouded all I know and love,

Made me lost to everyone.

 

I wrap myself up in a noose,

Try to block out all the noise,

The tumbleweed of my sanity,

Stops my seeing my three boys.

 

All I see is the pitching roar,

With a pounding in my ears,

A veil is pulled down over me,

Until nothing now is clear.

 

Its so hard to take pleasure,

In the chaos of a day,

How I wish I was different,

Wish I saw things another way.

 

Panic rushes to my throat,

I cannot let them see,

Just how much this time of year,

Really gets to me.

 

As the day moves on,

Chaos fades, rubbish in the bin,

I can finally bask in the boys’ joy,

For my mind is calm within.

 

My Christmases will always be,

Me fighting with my pain,

If I can weather it to teatime,

I will be me again.

 

By Becky Clemett – 25^th December 2020